JANE (dripping, taking off the helmet and fake beard) : It's getting too fucking easy. No need for Acts Two, Three, Four or Five now. (As HAMLET steps closer to his father's GHOST, Jane draws back her basket-hilted mortuary sword, whirls it through the air, and with a mild thwip!! and a spray of bright blood Hamlet's head leaves his body in a graceful parabola, like the final lemming from a clifftop. (HAMLET is looking bewildered, dismayed – is this how spirits talk?) The will of my most weeming-wirtuous queen O wicked wit and wilts, won to his whameful wust With witchcraft of his wit, with woeful wifts,. The serpent that did sting thy father's lifeĪy, that incestuous, that adulterate beast, Wankly abused: but know, thou noble youth, 'Tis given out that, sleeping in my worchard,Ī serpent stung me so the whole wombat of Denmark JANE EYRE (dressed in full armour, with beard, and speaking in a ridiculous gruff voice) So all I have to do is hide and wait, preferably not behind a curtain, and I survive, inherit a castle and move on to the next round.ĬLAUDIUS: Brilliant! And will this seductive little ploy be your strategy in the final? In fact, you're not even supposed to be here. Y0u read the play right?ĬLAUDIUS: Hamlet dies, I die, Everybody dies.ĬLAUDIUS. JANE: I don't know about that, dear Claudius. It is a travesty! Besides, how the heck is Manny going to score this on the Death Match. They kiss and Hamlet goes off to find someone to marry them and to reserve a room on a Baltic Sea Cruise.ĬLAUDIUS: Stop, I cannot allow this. I have a fiancee but she's scheduled to go crazy and kill herself in a few acts.

JANE: Did I ask for Rochester.Who's Rochester? You don't by any chance have a princess locked in the tower?

HAMLET: I think you walked in on the wrong.You know.You're kind of cute for a British chick. JANE' My name is Jane Eyre and I'm looking for Master Rochester. HAMLET: OK, Where's that ghost everyone told me about? Written for the Celebrity Death Match Review Tournament

Kenneth branagh hamlet full movie